1 a.m. and all is not well…

Last night, after a great evening with friends I thought I’d sleep well. That’s usually my pattern… good food, great conversation and lots of laughter equate to a really wonderful night’s sleep for me.

Instead, after about 2 hours of sleep, I awoke at 1 a.m.

I told the girls at work that I was up all night coughing… which is partially true. I do have a cold and I did cough a bunch last night.

But I’m really dreading tomorrow more.

It’s the anniversary of a loss for my husband and me. A loss that represents a lot more than the words on a page or computer could ever convey.

We always wanted children, but were never blessed with them. When we married, we knew it would be difficult to conceive… my body just doesn’t work properly. It never has. We figured that if we couldn’t produce a biological child, adoption would be just fine. Heck, I’m adopted and my mother is, too. Adoption is as natural as breathing to me.

A few years ago, an opportunity to adopt came up. A baby girl, aged 8 months.

We were told that if we were interested, we could have her in our home very quickly. She became mine, a child of my heart, at that point when we told them yes, let’s pursue this.

At long last… we were going to have a baby girl! I stopped that night on the way home from work. Wandered through Target looking at baby items – for me! Prudently waiting to buy anything, but planning exactly what I’d get for our daughter.

The next few days were a blur of talking to the family who brought our daughter to our attention, and talking to an attorney.

Then… problems with the father… and the whole thing flipped.

I swear sometimes that my heart stopped beating then and has never really been able to start again.

Later we heard that she was eventually adopted by a very nice family here in town.

1 a.m. and all is not well.

Tonight I’ll take the coward’s way out and deal with cold symptoms. Nyquil will make me sleep no matter what. Better living thru chemistry. If I get a good night’s sleep, then I will have a better chance to make it through tomorrow intact.

I sometimes look at little girls in my community and wonder if that one might be her.

I wonder who has my little girl, the child of my heart … and I miss her.