Monday, February 13, 2017

a day with hope

My young friend was given the gift of life and hope today... in the form of a heart transplant.

After the emotions of waiting for updates over a 12 1/2 hour surgery, I'm exhausted. Even good emotions expend energy. We expended a lot of energy today... praying, laughing and rejoicing.

Tonight, my sweet friend has a heartbeat. And a pulse. And hope.

And the chance to spend the rest of her life with the man she loves.  Oh, yes... after she recovers we, her extra aunties and her mama, get to start helping to plan the wedding!

...may there be mercy and quick healing. 

Thursday, February 09, 2017


Dementia is a thief.

It steals so damn much.



                         ...viciously, in its hidden places.

It takes away my strength, energy, and abilities to do things I normally don't even think about but do quickly and easily.

It takes away his dignity in every way imaginable. In all those ways we are vulnerable and private.

The bathroom. The bedroom. The shower. Taking medications. Feeding oneself. Following simple instructions. Figuring out how to do simple things one has done all of one's life.

Relationships... friends, family, spouse... yeah, even me.

Sometimes he will be talking to me and say that we need to talk to ~c about that.

ouch... ouch... oh, damn, deep pain... ouch.

In my heart, I scream... "wait!!! I am ~c" ... but I don't say it out loud because I know that he still knows who I am and he just got his words mixed up. Again.

But it still breaks the deepest part of my heart. The part where the thief has taken away just one more thing that hits at the foundation of us.

And then depression takes its shot at me, too. The other thief.

I will fight these thieves, even though I know there is no possible way to win against one. For as long as possible, I fight with the Man for us... for him... for myself... even though I know the thief of demetnia will win eventually.

That's what love does. It fights always. And I love him.

the other thief will NOT win. Depression lies, and will not win.

... may there be mercy, and peace in the battle and losses.

Monday, January 09, 2017

joyful memories

Tonight, after a lovely dinner out to celebrate our 29th wedding anniversary, we sat and listened to the audio of our wedding. Holding hands, playing the game of "remember when..."

It was wonderful.

Dementia has taken so much already from the Man, and from me, that those moments when "remember when" isn't painful... well, there just isn't any middle ground. When it isn't painful, it's fabulous.

He remembered exactly who sang at our wedding. He remembered the name of the song that was sung while we took communion. He remembers the Pastor who married us. He remembers the incredible steak dinner we had that night at the hotel. He remembers so much of that day.

What a gift on this anniversary.

Yes, I would marry him all over again, even had I known that we would face infertility, depression, PTSD, loss and dementia.

Because we faced all of that together, and we fight it all...  together.

That's what love does. 

And when he can't remember, I will remember for us both.

...may there be mercy and more days of memories to treasure together.

Monday, January 02, 2017

finding gratitude

Sitting in front of a nice fireplace, sipping a little amaretto over ice, the Man reading next to me... it's a bitterly cold evening, but we are warm and cozy inside.

I've been on vacation since about 2 pm on December 23rd when the boss closed the office early for Christmas. It's been a great time off, and I'm actually rested up pretty well for once.

We've inventoried several things in our home while I've been off work... books, movies, the Man's toy  trains, etc... so as I sit and sip, thinking about returning to work tomorrow and this new year, of course, I'm taking an inventory of those things that happened in the last 12 days for which I am so very grateful:

... there has been a lot of really good sleep over the last 11 nights.
... the Man has had several good days, where his dementia was not so striking and his cognitive processes were much more like the "him" that I remember.
... we had time with one of our oldest and dearest friends, who is an extra brother to me and one whom the Man loves deeply, too.
... we got to spend time with our extra nephew, who is home between deployments.
... we got to share some amazing wines with friends over great meals and wonderful conversations.
... I got a bunch of stuff organized and/or cleared out of the house, which helps clear my mind.
... we watched several movies, which we love to do together.
... I enjoyed an extra long, leisurely lunch with my mentor and spiritual mom - almost 3 hours of laughter and her wisdom and love.
... the Man indulges my level of football crazy watching my SeaHawks play even though he doesn't really care about football and when I yell, he gets upset due to the dementia - but he indulges me anyway.
... a few mornings ago, he woke up concerned that I check on his life insurance policy so that when I need it, it is there for me. He is still trying to protect and provide as my husband, even though the scope of his ability is rapidly diminishing.

And there is so much more that hit my heart in good ways this vacation time. Which helps me be ready to go back to work tomorrow with a happy attitude.

...may there be mercy and gratitude found each day this year...