Thursday, December 08, 2016

random thoughts on sleep and depression

This evening, we are waiting for snow.  The fireplace is going. We've got the house warm and cozy, and in a few minutes I'll make us some hot chocolate. It's a pretty picture, isn't it.

The flip side of this coin is that my long term, and unfortunate companion, depression, is making noise in my world, too.

Oh, I know full well that it's from being so very tired right now. It's hard to fight when I can't get the one thing that will bring me back up quicker than anything.

We discovered years ago that the first line of defense against depression for me is guarding my sleep. Lack of sleep is also the first sign that depression is creeping up on me. We work hard to ensure rest for me, changing our process every time that it seems the process is not working anymore.

Side ramble... the Man just decided he has been neglecting a friend, so we talked through making a call to chat. Listening to his conversation and watching the happy in his face is heartwarming to me.

Ok, back to reality and all that...

Over the years, we've figured out some great ways to ensure sleep for me. My doctor has been a big part of the process, and as a team, we got a pretty good level of sleep for me. And then dementia...

I'm learning how sleep issues hit for the Man, as dementia makes it hard for the brain to process the dreams. They become too confusing, and thus too frightening. Then the process of separating the dream from reality ... and managing the process of waking up. There is no quick wake up now for him.

Between both our issues, there just hasn't been any rest for me, and so the downward spiral begins.

And the fight begins, too. The fight to keep my mood from getting too down. The fight to hide how down I am from the Man as any stress exacerbates his symptoms. The fight to continue to hide it all from everyone at work, who actually have no idea that I have battled depression for so very long, or at all.

The fight to actually enjoy this Christmas season... and then each day after.

Part of my battle tactic is my return to writing here. After the last couple days of writing, rusty as it may be, I was reminded how the process of writing thoughts like this helps me in great ways. I like writing and everything about this ...

And the Man needs me, so I sign off with a lot hanging and unfinished thoughts... but that's life.

...may there be mercy and sleep... please God, let there be sleep tonight...

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