So I’ve retreated from everyone in the hope that it will pass soon.
Mostly I don’t want this mood to spill out too hard on any one person, causing a rift in a relationship. It certainly isn’t a reaction to any person or hurt feelings. It’s a more difficult to overcome reason why I’m in such a funk.
My body is taking longer to recover from surgery than I want… and than it has before.
Oh it’s coming along and I am healing. But I want the healing and recovery process to be completed so that I feel back to normal. Normal strength levels. Normal energy levels. Normal feeling tissue instead of this rock hard lump of scar tissue in that breast. And the soreness and pain need to go away!
In my perfect world, I would not have any of the health issues that have caused me to have 26 surgeries. My body would work exactly the way it is supposed to work. It would not produce tumors. The immune system would be so strong… it could fight off even the slightest hint of illness with such rapidity that the germs wouldn’t stand a chance. Anemia would never rear its ugly head. Chronic bronchitis would flee in fear. Migraines would cower in terror. Bladder issues, faulty heart valves and all the other stuff wrong… gone.
And of course, I could eat all the chocolate I wanted while maintaining a perfect body that did not gain an ounce!
But… this body doesn’t work that way.
At four weeks post-surgery, I’m still struggling with bruises, soreness and periodic sharp pain… and I’m just plain old tired all the time. Oh, I do things and work overtime, but I’m exhausted. I just do the things I need to do anyway. The bruises and soreness will eventually go away. Impatience is the problem for that part.
I know I should just sit back, rest up and be grateful that the lump wasn’t cancer. And believe me, I’m grateful!
A large part of my struggle is that I’m getting older and things take longer to heal. I can’t bounce back into working overtime 10 days after surgery and expect my body to cooperate. Well, I expect the cooperation; I’m just not getting it!
I’m also really bummed that I don’t have the energy to do all those fun trips that my husband wants to do together. If we had about 6 additional weeks of “train season”, I could make it. As it stands, we figured out which ones I can do and which ones he will have to do alone or with his dad.
To do them all… that’s the wish to fly.
To accept that I can’t… that’s the reality of plodding along on the ground.
…may there be mercy to lighten my mood as I plod along.