Tuesday, August 15, 2006

exhausted ramblings

My husband and I love to take our car and go on adventures. Might be a trip down a country road just to see what might be new. Might be a spur of the moment ride down to Seattle with our cameras. Could be a quick run up to Canada just to have lunch. Many weekends, we just throw our cameras in the car, get in and say, “north or south?” It’s always fun.

Right now, he wants to plan every single weekend between now and the end of September… with a long trip to see a train somewhere.

Ah yes, besides me, his loves are photography and trains… preferably together.

Steam trains are his favorites, but those are run by volunteers and only during the summer. Obviously this summer has been taken up with a bit more than being able to run around the state, and Canada, chasing steam trains.

We looked at the calendar last night, trying to find a way to get to as many trains as possible… and not kill me in the process. My body just is not cooperating right now to be able to do it all.

I think the combination of major stress issues has knocked me on my keister – and hard. I’m so exhausted right now that all I really want to do at all is sit and cry… and then sleep… and then cry more… and then sleep more… etc.

But that isn’t what happens. I paste my smile on, go to work, do overtime, come home and do the normal daily stuff that has to be done, have a little time with my online friends and collapse into bed hoping that I feel better the next day. Repeat daily.

Add in my father-in-law being so ill this year, taking care of him for 2 months, finding a lump in my breast, my mother-in-law passing, and having surgery to remove the lump… and I’ve hit the wall terribly hard.

It isn’t that these trips he wants to take would not be a lot of fun for both of us. It’s just that I don’t have the energy for any of it. My body has reached the point of just saying no.

And I hate it.

I want to be able to go and have all this fun because the earlier part of the summer was so awful. To have the energy and the joy in planning fun time with my husband.

Instead, I’m trying to figure out how I can force my body to do enough of these trips that I feel like we did something and send my husband on the rest of them by himself.

Did you notice that I wasn’t figuring out how to enjoy the trips? It’s more of a plan to just get them done. That’s what I hate.

More on this series of ramblings later. Right now, I’ve got to get to work… for some overtime.



Carrie said...

Well, sweetie, sometimes we have to listen to that inner voice, that tells us, stop, rest, recuperate....Perhaps he can go on his trips and you meet him halfway for lunch...or just stay home alone and enjoy the downtime...


The Surly Bookseller said...

Ditto what the Brit said!

I think sometimes the people who love us best don't pick up on the undercurrent, because it's a gradual thing -- sorta like not noticing changes in our weight as it happens.

And don't forget that guys tend to process this stuff through busy-ness, while we often need more navel-lint-picking time.

Hugs in spades.

Greg - Cowboy in the Jungle said...

Thanks for de-lurking! Glad you enjoy. Live life to the fullest and cherish even these simple moments with your hub. Love the "rambling." I think that is the purest form of expressing a persons heart. It is kind of like P.J.'s for your emotions. Soft and warm but the tops dont necessarily match the bottoms - and the best part, no one cares.

Take care and be good!