lumps and bumps on the journey

I’m starting down another segment of the “what if this actually IS cancer” road and thinking a lot of the thoughts that I’ve thought before.

How awful would treatments be?
Am I going to die from this one?
Don’t take that lump; it’s all the breast I’ve got!
Get that lump outta me… NOW!

And the stupid, yet sadly very big thought…

If I have to have chemo… I’m gonna lose my hair.

Yep, I’ve got a lump in my breast. It’s my 4^th lump, so one would think I’d be used to this process and handle it better. Nope. Freaked out, just like all the other times.

Actually, truth be told, maybe a bit more than the other times.

This time, the doc didn’t say the things that pacify women when they find lumps. Things like, “oh, this feels diffuse around the edges, (or is shaped in whatever way) so that gives us less to worry about. We’ll still check it out, but you don’t need to worry so much about this one.” No, he didn’t say those things.

He wanted his staff to schedule a mammogram and needle biopsy for the same day.

Needle biopsy? What the heck? No freakin’ way! This sucker is big and it’s coming out… NOW. They can biopsy the whole thing. It comes out as soon as I can make arrangements.

Why couldn’t they manage to get that appointment right away? Tuesday seems so very far from now.

Mammogram on Tuesday, follow up doctor appointment on the following Monday… and surgeon consultation follows that… unfortunately in July. JULY??????

Oh... may there be mercy and a cancellation come up before then.

Yes, I’ve done all this before. Yes, I know what to expect in the mammogram… and the doctor appointments… and the surgeon appointments… and the actual surgery to get the stupid thing out of me… and the post-surgical recovery process. All of it is standard and routine to them. And all of it is scary, all over again, for me.

I realized today that I can deal with all that again. I just really, really do not want to lose my hair.

Pathetic. Truly pathetic when I look at the option of my life versus my hair. But I admit to my stupid vanity.

I have really nice hair and I’ve always been proud of it.

Vanity, pathetic vanity.

And yet… somehow it’s okay that a part of me is more concerned about my hair and it’s potential loss than the other issues that surround this lump and it’s treatment… and it’s potential implications.

Easier to deal with hair loss. Yep, a bit of denial going on.

But at the same time… I keep reminding myself that my Heavenly Father is still in control of the universe and that this truly does fall into the sphere of that universe thing. Nothing comes into my life without passing through His loving hands… and He allows some things to come for reasons we just don’t understand at first. Might not understand for a long time, maybe not until eternity. No matter.

What does matter is that He does love me… He is in control… and I can stand on that without falling.

Even without hair.