Monday, June 19, 2006

time away, and home again

Gosh, we had a great time in Victoria. Good food, lots of camera time, lots of relax time…

…lots of us time.

We really needed it.

We needed the time on the BC ferry to watch the water and the islands go by. We needed a few hours in the car where all that was available to us was conversation. We needed time in a museum and the lively talk inspired from what we saw. We needed time to do some people watching together and making up stories about the people we watched. We needed time alone in a hotel room and in restaurants and holding hands walking along the waterfront.

Oh, but it was good for us!

Now, we’re home and unpacked and the realities of the lump are starting to creep in. Tomorrow is the mammogram and ultrasound.

I do not expect to get any results at all tomorrow, but it would be really cool if we did find out something… anything.

It’s the not knowing that is hard.

If I had a definitive answer, whether cancer or not, it would help. Uncertainties, lack of answers, both are extremely hard on a control freak. Oh, yeah. That’s me, control freak extraordinaire.

I really don’t want to be in charge of every single thing in life. I just have a hard time letting go of the things over which I have absolutely no control.

Like a lump in my breast.

But tonight I’m making a conscious decision to let go. I am not in charge. The universe is NOT in my hands. Neither is this lump.

I’m reminding myself that this lump and my life are in my Heavenly Father’s hands… and there is no better place to be. He knows I’m scared. He knows I don’t want this.

I know that He loves me. That’s really all that matters.

May there be mercy on our sleep and on our day tomorrow.

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