random oddities

Random thoughts as I drove home late tonight...

-8 working hours until vacation!
-what should I have for lunch tomorrow?
-vacation!
-don't forget to call Kim. 
-why are the trees in the Veteran's section of the local cemetery decorated so festively for Christmas?

What? Wait. Really? 

Yep, the trees in the cemetery are all lit up and festive and it kind of was freaky. I mean, it's not like I'm going to go over there and put presents for my in-laws under those trees, even if they are both buried right next to them. Why the festive setup in a cemetery? It just feels a little odd to me. 

Not trying to change it, just a really random odd moment there in my musings on the few working hours left before vacation.

...may there be mercy in the random odd moments.

heavy

Tomorrow is my birth father's 87th birthday. While I do love him, I've been dreading calling him for a couple weeks now. Sad, but true.

I knew he would ask about my brother, Buddy.

How do you frame an answer that doesn't sound horrible and horribly sad when heroin is involved? Reality is that we simply live our lives while we wait for "that" phone call. 

So, about an hour ago, I bucked up my courage, dialed the number and began a pleasant birthday call, hoping this would be the time that he wouldn't ask about Buddy.

Right. 

After a few minutes, it came. As gently as is possible, and in a lighter tone than my heavy heart feels, I gave him a review of Buddy's current condition and recent hospital stay. It was hard, but right. 

We talked about Buddy's choices in life, then moved to the harder thought that probably soon, I will be calling again to tell him that the drugs finally win. He took the conversation better than I thought he would. 

But my heart is hurting and so heavy tonight.

...may there be mercy and peace as I continue to hold hope for Buddy. 

crafternoon

A few months ago, thanks to Caleisha over at Apt 203, the 3rd Sunday of each month became a Crafternoon with my friend Kim. 

Today has been a wonderfully relaxing time that included peppermint mochas, lots of good conversation, lunch and laughter. Not to mention progress on our projects.

Kim's project was to cut out and get started sewing an adorable apron for her son's girlfriend. She used a fun fabric with cupcakes on it as the main fabric, together with a corresponding striped fabric that set off the cupcakes beautifully. Since the recipient is a baker, with cupcakes as a specialty, this is going to be a lovely Christmas gift.

My knitting project was a very quick and cute set of cabled boot cuffs for me. I recently made a nice cowl out of the same yarn, so these will be fun to wear. Will get a picture up later this week.

Crafternoon. It's not really about the projects that we bring to the day. It's all about relationship, being able to spend time together, talking while doing things we love.

...may there be mercy in the simple joy of time with a precious friend.

corners

Right now, I knit a lot. yeah, I know I've said that, but it's more than Christmas gifts.

It's a time wherein I can think through all the issues that have impacted me over the last couple years and work through the resultant clinical depression. 

Yes, clinical depression.

I know I've alluded to having had a hard time, and I don't plan to go into the depth of the issues that have gotten me here. It's enough to admit to depression for me.

Most folks who see me in real life don't see it. I hide it very well. Too well, sometimes, for my own good. Thankfully, I let a couple people far enough in that I didn't get to the brink. Unfortunately, by the time I let them in, I could see it.

Being one who cannot take antidepressants, therapy is my option. I hooked up with a very good counselor who has helped me work through quite a bit.

Last night, I turned a big, and very important, corner. 

While I'm not there yet, and have significant work to do yet, I can see healthy in the distance again.

I'm grateful.

...may there be mercy and deep healing in this process.

knitting time

Lately my after work time is totally taken with knitting. No pictures to post at this time. Christmas gifts, after all. Soon. I'm diggin' how some of these have turned out.

But for now, I've got to get to work!

...may there be mercy in the love knit into gifts.

train

Next month will be our 25th wedding anniversary. I'm grateful that we can say we got here!

In a couple weeks, we are taking a train trip to celebrate. We've been anticipating this trip for a year now. 

It's not about the destination. It's all about the time on the train and being together, traveling first class.

Amtrak's Coast Starlight runs between Seattle and Los Angeles. Glorious scenery along the entire route. Traveling first class will give us a (tiny) private bedroom with a bathroom. We will have a private parlor car with a bartender, comfy seats and a fantastic view. The parlor car includes the opportunity to chat with others as we desire.  Chatting with other travelers is appealing to both of us.

Traveling first class also gives us all our meals in the dining car. Linens, china, silver and excellent food, all while enjoying a lovely view. It sounds fabulous to me.

It's not about the destination. It's all about the time on the train, being together, celebrating 25 years.

...may there be mercy in our excitement and anticipation.

church

It's been hard to get myself to church this year. Looking back at my calendar, it shows that I actually made it there only 8 times, although I did "attend" and worship via the online service a number of times. Today was one of the times I was able to make it.

It was good.

...may there be mercy as I continue to reflect on what I learned. 

lazy

Having had an extremely busy time the last couple weeks, it's good to be able to take a very lazy Saturday morning for myself. A jammies day is sometimes just necessary.

Although I do believe that I'll exert myself enough to knit.

...may there be mercy and refreshment in the down time.

learning

Möbius.

 It's an interesting word. It's also an interesting process when knitting. 

A process that I taught myself this evening. If I had not been interrupted, the cowl would have been done in 3.5 hours, including the video tutorial, cast on, knitting the pattern and bind off. 

Due to the normal things that but into our fun time, I'm hoping to finish in the morning before work. We shall see what the morning brings.

...may there be mercy in the progress of the clicking of the needles...

focus

After a week of being deliberately thankful each day, I find it hard to write anything today. So here are the bits and pieces...

Work was a difficult place to be. Not just because of the return after holiday weekend, but broken promises and a serious lack of respect in conversations between coworkers makes it hard to be glad to be there.

Amtrak vacation package vouchers arrived for our upcoming anniversary trip.

Monday knitting nights allowed progress on a Christmas gift.

Two out of three ain't bad.

...may there be mercy and focus on the two or better.

home

This week of expressing thanks has been good for me. Of course there are many things for which I am thankful. There is definitely an abundance in my life.

Today, I'm thankful for home.

We had a lovely trip and enjoyed our time with friends so much. The long drive was easy and smooth, each way. 

But it is always good to be home, in my own space.

...may there be mercy and productivity in our return to normal life, post holiday.

small people

While at our friend's home, stories and laughter abound. As we linger over coffee, the little ones decide to both crawl up into my lap together.  Both want to snuggle with me at the same time. Sweetness and peace seep into my spirit in  the unspoken trust and love, demonstrated in their sprawling comfort and whispered confidences. 

...may there be mercy in the sweetness of a child's love and trust. . 

traditions

We are in Portland for the Thanksgiving weekend. While here, I am reminded of how certain traditions will serve to ground me in who I am. These traditions can ease the aches and dark places that have been difficult in any year and I am thankful for them all. Both the silly and serious traditions, they work in my heart and make me glad.

...may there be mercy and joy in the continuity.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thankful for all the usual suspects, of course. 

But the highlighted point  of thanks for today is friends who have become family by choice. You know who you are. Thanks for loving me, baggage and all. 

...may there be mercy in the grace and love of chosen family. 

deliberate

Today's thankful moment is about one of those things that I am not truly thankful for, but am deliberately choosing to be thankful despite myself.

tears

Last night, while with a new small group from my church, I cried. Most folks don't find this to be unusual behavior, and will shed tears when appropriate. But for me, it is one of the biggest things on my list of things I hate to do. It is rare for me to do this, I simply don't cry in front of people.

Oh, I might get misty-eyed, but actual tears running down the face, nose running, unable to speak type crying, nope.

It's an obvious step in the right direction for my healing that I could not hold back tears last night, and with this group.

...may there be mercy and gratitude for healing tears.

yay moment

Today's thankful moment...

...my goddaughter is home from college for a very brief visit. Mostly to see the dentist. But she wants to spend time with me, so I'm taking her out to lunch to celebrate her birthday next week.

...may there be mercy in the celebration of someone I love dearly.

healing

The past 18 months have been hard. Really hard. So this week I want to focus on just taking moments and being thankful.

My office has recently hired a young woman to do our outside courier work.

I used to have to cover the afternoon portion of this job twice a week. The car is hard to get in and out of, so my back and hip hurt constantly for a very long time. 

  Being pain free again is so lovely.

...may there be mercy as I move freely again.

writing

I did some writing this week for friends. It was a description of my recent trip to San Diego to visit family. 

It made me realize how much I've missed writing in the last year or so.

So hello again, little blog. I've missed you. No promises of daily writing for now, but it won't be long till I am back with more.

...may there be mercy as I contemplate what to write.

wordless wednesday

sunlit web

Click on the photo to view full size.

For more Wordless Wednesday, click here.

be sure to say it

As we bury my precious father-in-law today, I'm glad that I made sure to say the things that should be, and needed to be said while he was still living. While I can't get through saying them out loud this afternoon, this is what the Pastor will read for me. There is so much more that was said between us that I could write, but he already got to hear them.


Dad - What a gift to have spent the last 23 years as your extra daughter. In your last months, as you and I talked, I’m glad I got to say these things to you, but I need to say them again.

• You taught me so much about what love really looks like. What a treasured gift that is for me.
• After my own Daddy passed into heaven, you never tried to take his place in my heart, but you always filled the hole in that place with extra love as a good father should.
• You taught me to enjoy the simplest things in life and to take joy in them. I’ll miss our Swan Reports and think happily of you each time I see them soaring overhead.
• Red is still my favorite color, too.
• We will continue to take care of each other with all the love we have.
• You made me laugh each time we were together, even up to your last day. I loved your twinkle-in-the-eye grin.

I love you and miss you so much, but know that heaven is your glorious home now. We will see you in a little while. Find us a great spot for a good long talk in the sunshine.

...may there be mercy and comfort in knowing that we said it all...

The chariot did swing low and carry Dad home today. His suffering is done. He is at peace in heaven. I'm sure he's starting the party himself.

Dad passed peacefully just before 4, his children surrounding him (love that even though I'm the daughter-in-law, I've always been one of his kids) with words of love and encouragement for his journey to the next life... the better life.

The Good Book does say "blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."

I told a friend tonight that we feel this strange split personality thing going on. A part of us is so terribly sad that he is gone from us. At the same time, a part is rejoicing that he is not suffering and that he is in heaven. It's an odd feeling, I have to admit.


...may there be mercy and comfort in our grief...

final journey

On vigil. Waiting is hard. He is comfortable. Coma. Just a matter of time now. Swing low sweet chariot. Soon please. 

That's the text I sent out to a couple friends a few minutes ago.

My precious father in law is going home today.


...may there be mercy as we say good bye...

the road

Last year I had good intentions. Good intentions to accomplish or at least get on the road to accomplishment for a number of things.

exercise 4-5 times a week

make at least 1 quilt per month

learn to knit

read the entire bible, cover to cover, as literature

have a massive celebration of turning 50

de-clutter my house

drop 20 pounds

have guests for dinner twice a month

blog more regularly

While I was able to accomplish a couple of these - the Man calls it the “50 celebrations of turning 50” and I did learn how to knit - the road to accomplishment for the rest of that list remains untraveled.

The first quarter of last year was great for traveling that road. I spent quite a bit of time quilting, the birthday celebrations began, I dropped a couple pounds, the de-cluttering began and then the Man got pneumonia and was in the hospital for a few days.

I tried to get back on the road after that, but it seemed that the road twisted, turned, and curved, almost like a bucking horse, to throw me off.

The road was completely lost to me when my precious father-in-law was diagnosed with terminal mesothelioma and given only a couple months to live. My good intentions were tossed aside. Life condensed down to the really important stuff of taking care of the Man, his daddy and myself. Making sure that the things we needed to say were said, the things we needed to hear were heard.

All those things have been said and heard, now we just enjoy each moment with him, knowing those moments are winding down more rapidly each day as he gets weaker and weaker.

I still look toward the road, hoping to plant my feet firmly on it, but for now, it might just be that I can only locate the road. Walking down it will have to wait a little bit.

I know that the road waits for me, probably with a lot of additional turns meant to throw me. I am looking forward to stepping back on that road, still looking at the list from last year, and adding a few thoughts for this year.

...may there be mercy and hope in setting my feet back on the road...

savory sundays

Am stealing a moment of normal in the chaos of living with hospice issues. Last night we had a couple friends over for a spur of the moment dinner. I've been wanting to try Pears Poached in Red Wine for some time now, and happened to have enough pears on hand. I always have wine on hand! This recipe turned out so tasty that I'll definitely do it again. Brew yourself a pot of really good coffee, even if it's decaf, and enjoy!

Pears Poached in Red Wine

4-6 pears, ripe, but still slightly firm

½ cup sugar

2 cups red wine, possibly more

1 cinnamon stick

1 tablespoon vanilla

1 shot grand marnier or orange liqueur

chocolate sauce 

peel pears, leaving stem, and place in saucepan

sprinkle with sugar

cover with wine

add cinnamon stick

simmer over low heat 10-15 minutes - do not boil at a heavy rate or pears will get mushy

remove from heat,  add vanilla and orange liqueur

let cool in the juice

Drizzle plate with chocolate, just a very little

remove core from bottom of pear with a melon baller and slice in half lengthwise

place halves in center of plate and spoon some sauce over

Notes:

I kept the remaining sauce to use on another dessert tonight…. way too yummy to waste!!!

For the wine, I used Campo de Borja Mosen Cleto (buy at Trader Joe’s, it’s the one with the “dusty” bottle.)

Other wine suggestions are:  Zinfandel or Syrah

Next time I will probably halve the pears prior to poaching since it was kinda messy doing so after.

For the chocolate, use something really, really good and kinda thick, almost like a hot fudge type sauce. I used a pinot noir chocolate sauce that was spectacularly good.

For more recipes and great cooking stuff, check out the Weekend Cooking posts at Beth Fish Reads

...may there be mercy in the breaking of bread at your table...

big words

In the last 6 weeks, we've been learning a lot of big words around our house.

pneumonia
MRI
pulmonologist
thorocentesis
malignancy
pleurodesis
mesothelioma
oncologist
prognosis
medicare
durable medical equipment
DNR
hospice

Some are words we've used before, some are new. Each one has an emotion attached to the new learning experience.

I hate that all these words apply to my precious father-in-law.

The progression has been swift. The changes in him are almost unbelievable. And as much as we want to stop this rollercoaster, there are no brakes on this ride. We are simply grateful that he has no pain yet. We hope for no pain ever.

We've been told our time is brief - 2 weeks to 2 months. That was 4 weeks ago. We are cherishing every moment with him, allowing him to live as normally as possible for as long as possible. He amazes me with his determination to keep on living while he still has breath.

Over the years, this man has taught me so much about life, living and love. Now he's showing me how to die with grace and peace.

My emotions are raw, but acceptance has come.

...may there be mercy and his life remain pain-free...