be sure to say it

As we bury my precious father-in-law today, I'm glad that I made sure to say the things that should be, and needed to be said while he was still living. While I can't get through saying them out loud this afternoon, this is what the Pastor will read for me. There is so much more that was said between us that I could write, but he already got to hear them.


Dad - What a gift to have spent the last 23 years as your extra daughter. In your last months, as you and I talked, I’m glad I got to say these things to you, but I need to say them again.

• You taught me so much about what love really looks like. What a treasured gift that is for me.
• After my own Daddy passed into heaven, you never tried to take his place in my heart, but you always filled the hole in that place with extra love as a good father should.
• You taught me to enjoy the simplest things in life and to take joy in them. I’ll miss our Swan Reports and think happily of you each time I see them soaring overhead.
• Red is still my favorite color, too.
• We will continue to take care of each other with all the love we have.
• You made me laugh each time we were together, even up to your last day. I loved your twinkle-in-the-eye grin.

I love you and miss you so much, but know that heaven is your glorious home now. We will see you in a little while. Find us a great spot for a good long talk in the sunshine.

...may there be mercy and comfort in knowing that we said it all...

The chariot did swing low and carry Dad home today. His suffering is done. He is at peace in heaven. I'm sure he's starting the party himself.

Dad passed peacefully just before 4, his children surrounding him (love that even though I'm the daughter-in-law, I've always been one of his kids) with words of love and encouragement for his journey to the next life... the better life.

The Good Book does say "blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."

I told a friend tonight that we feel this strange split personality thing going on. A part of us is so terribly sad that he is gone from us. At the same time, a part is rejoicing that he is not suffering and that he is in heaven. It's an odd feeling, I have to admit.


...may there be mercy and comfort in our grief...

final journey

On vigil. Waiting is hard. He is comfortable. Coma. Just a matter of time now. Swing low sweet chariot. Soon please. 

That's the text I sent out to a couple friends a few minutes ago.

My precious father in law is going home today.


...may there be mercy as we say good bye...

the road

Last year I had good intentions. Good intentions to accomplish or at least get on the road to accomplishment for a number of things.

exercise 4-5 times a week

make at least 1 quilt per month

learn to knit

read the entire bible, cover to cover, as literature

have a massive celebration of turning 50

de-clutter my house

drop 20 pounds

have guests for dinner twice a month

blog more regularly

While I was able to accomplish a couple of these - the Man calls it the “50 celebrations of turning 50” and I did learn how to knit - the road to accomplishment for the rest of that list remains untraveled.

The first quarter of last year was great for traveling that road. I spent quite a bit of time quilting, the birthday celebrations began, I dropped a couple pounds, the de-cluttering began and then the Man got pneumonia and was in the hospital for a few days.

I tried to get back on the road after that, but it seemed that the road twisted, turned, and curved, almost like a bucking horse, to throw me off.

The road was completely lost to me when my precious father-in-law was diagnosed with terminal mesothelioma and given only a couple months to live. My good intentions were tossed aside. Life condensed down to the really important stuff of taking care of the Man, his daddy and myself. Making sure that the things we needed to say were said, the things we needed to hear were heard.

All those things have been said and heard, now we just enjoy each moment with him, knowing those moments are winding down more rapidly each day as he gets weaker and weaker.

I still look toward the road, hoping to plant my feet firmly on it, but for now, it might just be that I can only locate the road. Walking down it will have to wait a little bit.

I know that the road waits for me, probably with a lot of additional turns meant to throw me. I am looking forward to stepping back on that road, still looking at the list from last year, and adding a few thoughts for this year.

...may there be mercy and hope in setting my feet back on the road...

savory sundays

Am stealing a moment of normal in the chaos of living with hospice issues. Last night we had a couple friends over for a spur of the moment dinner. I've been wanting to try Pears Poached in Red Wine for some time now, and happened to have enough pears on hand. I always have wine on hand! This recipe turned out so tasty that I'll definitely do it again. Brew yourself a pot of really good coffee, even if it's decaf, and enjoy!

Pears Poached in Red Wine

4-6 pears, ripe, but still slightly firm

½ cup sugar

2 cups red wine, possibly more

1 cinnamon stick

1 tablespoon vanilla

1 shot grand marnier or orange liqueur

chocolate sauce 

peel pears, leaving stem, and place in saucepan

sprinkle with sugar

cover with wine

add cinnamon stick

simmer over low heat 10-15 minutes - do not boil at a heavy rate or pears will get mushy

remove from heat,  add vanilla and orange liqueur

let cool in the juice

Drizzle plate with chocolate, just a very little

remove core from bottom of pear with a melon baller and slice in half lengthwise

place halves in center of plate and spoon some sauce over

Notes:

I kept the remaining sauce to use on another dessert tonight…. way too yummy to waste!!!

For the wine, I used Campo de Borja Mosen Cleto (buy at Trader Joe’s, it’s the one with the “dusty” bottle.)

Other wine suggestions are:  Zinfandel or Syrah

Next time I will probably halve the pears prior to poaching since it was kinda messy doing so after.

For the chocolate, use something really, really good and kinda thick, almost like a hot fudge type sauce. I used a pinot noir chocolate sauce that was spectacularly good.

For more recipes and great cooking stuff, check out the Weekend Cooking posts at Beth Fish Reads

...may there be mercy in the breaking of bread at your table...

big words

In the last 6 weeks, we've been learning a lot of big words around our house.

pneumonia
MRI
pulmonologist
thorocentesis
malignancy
pleurodesis
mesothelioma
oncologist
prognosis
medicare
durable medical equipment
DNR
hospice

Some are words we've used before, some are new. Each one has an emotion attached to the new learning experience.

I hate that all these words apply to my precious father-in-law.

The progression has been swift. The changes in him are almost unbelievable. And as much as we want to stop this rollercoaster, there are no brakes on this ride. We are simply grateful that he has no pain yet. We hope for no pain ever.

We've been told our time is brief - 2 weeks to 2 months. That was 4 weeks ago. We are cherishing every moment with him, allowing him to live as normally as possible for as long as possible. He amazes me with his determination to keep on living while he still has breath.

Over the years, this man has taught me so much about life, living and love. Now he's showing me how to die with grace and peace.

My emotions are raw, but acceptance has come.

...may there be mercy and his life remain pain-free...

filling our time

Once again, I'm knitting in the hospital. Waiting for a hospice meeting and for the Man to bring lunch. My precious father-in-law dozes much, so the knitting keeps my hands and mind occupied. I'm making a lot of progress on this project.

My heart is not making much progress on acceptance, but I fake it well in public. Being told it's just a few weeks is hard.

...may there be mercy and peace for each of us as his life unfolds...

knitting in the ER

Once again I am grateful that my friend Patty has taught me to knit. Being in the ER with my precious father-in-law requires something that is calm and soothing to my emotions. When he is in pain, it shatters me.

And all the while he keeps his adorable sense of humor, cracking jokes with nurses, doctors, lab techs and us. He keeps living his life, no matter what.

We got a scary diagnosis earlier this week. Precious father-in-law has 3 tomors in his lungs and 2 on his liver. Most likely cancer. He had a liter of fluid drained off his lung and it seems to have come back. Not good.

If this is cancer, I recognize that I am so not ready to face the pain ahead of us. I don't care that he is 87, and I truly do know that he cannot live forever, I'm just not ready.

And we wait in the ER.

...may there be mercy and peace for each of us as we face our next steps in really living life...

savory sundays

This week I started looking ahead to the Christmas season and gifts of food for neighbors and coworkers. Mama and I have several fun recipes that are simple and yummy. One of the more addicting choices is today's selection. Mama came up with this Glazed Walnuts recipe because she loves honey roasted nuts, but just couldn't justify spending so much tiny amounts of them. While it's not the same as honey roasted nuts, she was delighted with the outcome. I love these and have trouble keeping out of the gift boxes once they are set up! Enjoy!

Glazed Walnuts

4 cups shelled walnuts
4 large egg whites
1 cup firmly packed brown sugar
1/4 cup melted butter

Preheat oven to 275

Beat egg whites with an electric mixer until they form soft peaks. Gradually beat in the brown sugar and bet until it is stiff and glossy. Stir in by hand the butter. Then stir in the nuts, tossing to coat all. Spread into an UNGREASED 9x13 cake pan. Bake for one hour till meringue is dry - stirring at 15 minute intervals to loosen the nuts. Cool in the pan on a wire rack. Store loosely covered at room temperature.

Notes:
- the oven temp is not a typo - it really is 275
- definitely do not grease your pan or your nuts will be ruined
- when you start the baking time, make sure to set timers for each 15 minute segment. It's really important to stir at these times. While the time passes, enjoy a cup of tea and a book if you can.
- this is fun for kids to join in the process - they get a kick out of how the nuts don't change and then suddenly they do.

For more recipes and great cooking stuff, check out the Weekend Cooking posts at Beth Fish Reads

...may there be mercy in the breaking of bread at  your table...

wordless wednesday

banyan tree

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savory sundays

For many years, I worked with a lovely man named Jim. He was probably the kindest and most generous man I've ever known. Thoughtful and caring. Always brought us treats and beautifully wrapped Christmas gifts that were lovingly purchased with each recipient in mind. He was the office big brother and we all adored him. When he lost the battle with liver cancer, it was the loss of a family member to us.

In our office, we enjoy a good potluck. In honor of our Brother Jim, who adored a potluck, someone always makes his famous Crab Dip. This Crab Dip was a potluck tradition in the office and when we got it without a potluck attached, it was an extra special treat. One of the highest fat/calorie recipes, but oh, so delicious! Never a bit of leftover to take home either, dangit! Simple and wonderful... just like Jim. Enjoy!

Jim's Crab Dip

one brick of Philly cream cheese, softened
one cup of Best Foods Mayo (Hellman's in the south)
one can of crab - or use fresh crab if you have it
chopped dill pickle
minced onion
garlic powder

Mix well and let chill for a couple hours to let the flavors meld. Serve with ritz or other crackers you enjoy. "Real" potato chips are pretty tasty with this one, too.

Notes:
- never substitute another brand name for the cream cheese or mayo. Not the same taste at all and no one likes it near as much when it happens!
- everything in this recipe is "to taste". If you like more crab, add it! If you like only a tiny bit of chopped dill pickle, use only a little bit. I prefer double crab and an extra dash of garlic and onion in mine.
- don't use garlic salt. Between the crab and the crackers or chips, you don't want the extra salt.

For more recipes and great cooking stuff, check out the Weekend Cooking posts at Beth Fish Reads

...may there be mercy in the breaking of bread at your table..

wordless wednesday

tiny mushrooms

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savory sundays

Years ago, Mama found a recipe for Cioppino that she thought sounded good. For the most part, when I describe this dish to friends as an Italian peasant fisherman's stew, they turn up their noses. Most of them get the thought of a fishy spaghetti in their heads. I know I did when it was first described to me. Wrong!!

This dish actually doesn't do well in descriptions, but one taste made a believer of me. This is my absolute favorite meal, bar none. The recipe is listed below with the variety of fish most folks use and that the original recipe listed. Definitely see the notes below for what makes this dish one that rates spectacular for our family.

When I'm in San Diego, Mama makes this special for me. The whole family comes to her house. We all put on bibs that are actually apron sized. Pour wine, dish up the Cioppino, break pieces of fresh, crusty bread. Lots of laughter, lots of family stories, lots of feeling like being in a Hollywood movie where they show the family around the table. Enjoy!

Cioppino
1/4 cup olive oil
1 medium onion, chopped
4 stalks celery, thinly sliced
4 medium carrots, thinly sliced
6 cloves garlic, minced
1/4 cup chopped parsley
1 can (28 oz) solid pack tomatoes OR 4 large, fresh tomatoes, chopped
2 cans (8 oz each) tomato sauce
1 1/2 cups water or clam juice or combination
1 cup dry sherry
1 lemon, thinly sliced
1/2 tsp each basil, marjoram, oregano and thyme
salt & pepper to taste
1 1/2 lb. firm, white fish, cut into bite sized pieces (flounder, turbot, halibut)
1 lb. raw prawns or shrimp, in shell
2 lbs. clams or mussels in shell, well scrubbed
1-2 Dungeness, or 4-6 blue crabs, cooked, cleaned and cracked

Heat oil in large kettle or Dutch oven. Add vegetables. Saute until tender, about 10 minutes. Add remaining ingredients, except fish and shellfish. Simmer gently 1 1/2 hours. The broth will have the best flavor if it is prepared one day in advance. 20 minutes before serving, add fish and shellfish to simmering broth. Cover and cook 20 minutes. Discard any clams or mussels that have not opened. To serve, ladel some of each kind of fish into soup bowls. Top with broth. Make it easy on your guests and serve extra bowls to discard shells in.

From the original recipe notes:  This popular West Coast dish of crab, shrim, clams and fish is ideal for informal entertaining. Provide each guest with a large bib. Serve with lots of crusty French bread, a tossed salad and fresh fruit for dessert. You may vary the fish according to what your local market offers.

Mama's notes:
-The original recipe called for 1 1/2 tsp of each of the spices, but Mama found it was far too much.
-Double the recipe and still only use this much in spices. Then taste to see if it needs more of any of them.
-Get the freshest bread possible and plenty of it. You want to dip it in the "sugo" as the broth is called by my Italian sister-in-law.
-Make sure the lemon is almost paper thin in slicing.
-Have a bunch of wet washcloths on hand instead of regular napkins. You'll thank me for this one.
-As to the fish, if you like all of these - or whatever other fish you find you would like to try - by all means, use them. But for our family, the ONLY seafood used is king crab legs, well cracked. If you're going to use crab legs, make sure to use king crab legs. Mama buys it a little at a time, when she sees the king crab legs on a good sale. She freezes them and when she has enough, then it's time to make Cioppino. By using only king crab legs, this becomes quite an upscale dish and one that makes everyone feel special.

For more recipes and great cooking stuff, check out the Weekend Cooking posts at Beth Fish Reads

...may there be mercy in the breaking of bread at your table...

home

Cannot say how good it is to have the Man home from the hospital and us back to our normal routine.  I think the most fun we had was changing the pain level chart to a boredom level chart on the whiteboard on the wall in his room.

The nurses thought it hilarious that it was boredom and not pain levels.

We have appointments with doc and with sleep study. Diabetic education appointment will come soon. Major lifestyle changes and learning curve already in the works.

Not to mention an exercise plan... oh, fun!

...may there be mercy and peace as we move forward...

creative comfort

There is something deeply comforting in the act of knitting. Having something to do with my hands as we wait. The rhythmic click of the needles. The movement of the yarn in my fingers. The emerging pattern. Somehow this process comforts me.

This morning, I finished half a dishcloth while waiting for the Man to do his nuclear stress test. While waiting for test results, I started another and am already half done with it. By the time the results come, I could possibly be done with it.

I'm so glad Patty taught me how to knit. It was so much more than a simple birthday gift of yarn, a book and her time.

...may there be mercy and comfort as we wait for answers.

savory sundays

Well, it looks like Savory Sundays is on a short break what with vacation last week and putting the Man into the hospital this morning. Stay tuned for next week's episode.

...may there be mercy in the breaking of bread at your table and in the quick recovery for the Man...

wordless wednesday

haystack rock

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savory sundays

Mama and I love our sweets! We also share the opinion that those little Andes Mints that restaurants used to give at the end of the meal were awfully yummy. One day, Mama decided that those little mints were too costly to buy and modified a fudge recipe to make her own. Everyone we know loves this Layered Mint Fudge, including the Man who laughingly will ask me to make him "Green Stuff". Because of the simplicity of the recipe and the enjoyment of the recipients, we give batches of this as gifts at Christmastime. Enjoy!

Layered Mint Fudge (aka Green Stuff)
12 oz semi sweet chocolate chips
1 can Eagle brand sweetened condensed milk
2 Tblsp vanilla
6 oz white chocolate chips
1 Tblsp peppermint extract
few drops green food coloring

Line an 8-9 inch square pan with wax paper. Then, in a double boiler, melt chocolate chips with 1 cup of the sweetened condensed milk, stirring until smooth. Remove from heat and stir in vanilla. Spread 1/2 of the mixture into the square pan and chill 10 minutes in the refrigerator. **Keep remaining mix at room temperature! In a double boiler, melt white chocolate chips with the remaining sweetened condensed milk, stirring until smooth. Remove from heat and stir in the peppermint extract, then the green food color until it is the color you like. Spread onto the chilled chocolate layer and chill 10 minutes. Spread the remaining chocolate mixture onto the mint layer and chill 2 hours or until firm. Turn onto a cutting board and peel off wax paper. Cut into small squares. Store loosely covered at room temperature.

Notes:  Make sure to use wax paper in your pan. The cleanup is a nightmare if you don't! Also, cut the fudge into small squares - it's really rich!

For more recipes and great cooking stuff, check out the Weekend Cooking posts at Beth Fish Reads

...may there be mercy in the breaking of bread at your table...

wordless wednesday

gray beach day

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wordless wednesday

call of the sea

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savory sundays

I don't know about you, but I love a great appetizer. Sometimes I prefer to make my dinner out of a couple that really spark my tastebuds, which makes the Man a little crazy. He doesn't feel like that's a "real" meal. Like Clara in the old commercials, he wants to say, "where's the beef?" I usually tell him that it's in the leftovers in the fridge - and we both get fed.


This recipe is one that was introduced into my life about 30 years ago. It's very simple, which I love. It's also kinda ugly looking, but tastes fantastic. Enjoy!


Brocolli Dip
1 cup sliced fresh mushrooms
1 cup minced onion
butter for sauteing
2 cans Campbell's cream of mushroom soup (don't substitute another brand!)
2 packages frozen, chopped brocolli - do not thaw
1 8 oz cup Kaukauna brand spreadable sharp cheese
1 8 oz cup Kaukauna brand spreadable garlic cheese
dash or two of tobasco sauce
dash or two of worchestershire
salt & pepper to taste


Saute mushrooms in butter, set aside. Saute onions in butter. Add soup, still frozen brocolli and cheese foods. Season with tobasco and worchestershire to taste. Cook 20 minutes - stirring occasionally. Add saute'd mushrooms. Serve warm with chips, bread chunks or crackers.


Notes:
1.  If you can't find the garlic cheese, substitute a 2nd sharp cheese and add a little garlic salt in place of the regular salt.
2.  This is really lovely in a bread bowl.


For more recipes and great cooking stuff, check out the Weekend Cooking posts at Beth Fish Reads


...may there be mercy in the breaking of bread at your table...

wordless wednesday

birch trees

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savory sundays

Mama makes all her own salad dressings. She hates to spend extra money on something so simple. She doesn't like all the foo-foo dressings, just give her the old standbys. Since it's summer and salads are on most folks menus, here are a couple of her favorites. Just mix everything in a bowl for either recipe and refrigerate for about 2 hours prior to eating. Enjoy!


Catalina Dressing:
2/3 cup ketchup
1/2 cup sugar, or more (to your taste)
2/3 cup vegetable oil
1/2 cup red wine vinegar
sprinkle of salt
1-2 cloves garlic - crushed


Ranch Dressing:
1 cup Best Foods mayonnaise
1 cup buttermilk
2 Tbsp green onion
1/4 tsp onion powder
2 tsp minced parsley
1/4 tsp garlic powder or 1 clove minced garlic
1/8 tsp cayenne
1/4 tsp salt
black pepper


...may there be mercy in the breaking of bread at your table.

wordless wednesday

reflections

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savory sundays

We are away at a photography class this weekend, so this edition of savory sundays is going to be delayed - probably for a week. If we get home and unpacked early enough, I might get back here with something yummy to share.

...may there be mercy in our travels and in the breaking of bread at your table.