loss of independence hits again

This morning, as we snuggled in bed before getting up, the Man started to fret that he has not gotten a
Christmas gift for me. It truly broke my heart in ways that his dementia has not broken me before now.

While I reminded him that we have not really exchanged a purchased gift for quite a number of years, he still fretted. I think I got him settled on this issue, but time will tell.

Normally we find something bigger that we both want together or we go do an over night trip with a really fun show or something like that. One year we picked 15 or 20 DVD movies we didn't have, bought them and watched them all during the week between Christmas and New Year's.

No matter what, it's been a really fun thing for us, taking pressure off of us to get just the right gift. Allowing us to enjoy Christmas for and with each other.

Now that the Man does not drive anymore... thank you dementia for taking that ability away so quickly... ... he is totally dependent on me or a friend to take him anywhere outside our home. Of course I'm always glad to take him places, but usually it's on my errand agenda or I've planned a lunch or dinner date on my schedule. Or I plan for his time with a friend who picks him up here to go to lunch.

It hit me hard this morning that if he wants to give me a gift, he can't do it without me taking him to get a gift for me... how does that allow for surprises... Christmas, anniversary, birthday... or simple thoughtfulness ... or the expressions of his heart...

damn

Dementia takes so very much away. It hits each day a little more exactly how much it is taking.

and how much I hate it.

... may there be mercy and comfort when I need...