church

It's been hard to get myself to church this year. Looking back at my calendar, it shows that I actually made it there only 8 times, although I did "attend" and worship via the online service a number of times. Today was one of the times I was able to make it.

It was good.

...may there be mercy as I continue to reflect on what I learned. 

lazy

Having had an extremely busy time the last couple weeks, it's good to be able to take a very lazy Saturday morning for myself. A jammies day is sometimes just necessary.

Although I do believe that I'll exert myself enough to knit.

...may there be mercy and refreshment in the down time.

learning

Möbius.

 It's an interesting word. It's also an interesting process when knitting. 

A process that I taught myself this evening. If I had not been interrupted, the cowl would have been done in 3.5 hours, including the video tutorial, cast on, knitting the pattern and bind off. 

Due to the normal things that but into our fun time, I'm hoping to finish in the morning before work. We shall see what the morning brings.

...may there be mercy in the progress of the clicking of the needles...

focus

After a week of being deliberately thankful each day, I find it hard to write anything today. So here are the bits and pieces...

Work was a difficult place to be. Not just because of the return after holiday weekend, but broken promises and a serious lack of respect in conversations between coworkers makes it hard to be glad to be there.

Amtrak vacation package vouchers arrived for our upcoming anniversary trip.

Monday knitting nights allowed progress on a Christmas gift.

Two out of three ain't bad.

...may there be mercy and focus on the two or better.

home

This week of expressing thanks has been good for me. Of course there are many things for which I am thankful. There is definitely an abundance in my life.

Today, I'm thankful for home.

We had a lovely trip and enjoyed our time with friends so much. The long drive was easy and smooth, each way. 

But it is always good to be home, in my own space.

...may there be mercy and productivity in our return to normal life, post holiday.

small people

While at our friend's home, stories and laughter abound. As we linger over coffee, the little ones decide to both crawl up into my lap together.  Both want to snuggle with me at the same time. Sweetness and peace seep into my spirit in  the unspoken trust and love, demonstrated in their sprawling comfort and whispered confidences. 

...may there be mercy in the sweetness of a child's love and trust. . 

traditions

We are in Portland for the Thanksgiving weekend. While here, I am reminded of how certain traditions will serve to ground me in who I am. These traditions can ease the aches and dark places that have been difficult in any year and I am thankful for them all. Both the silly and serious traditions, they work in my heart and make me glad.

...may there be mercy and joy in the continuity.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thankful for all the usual suspects, of course. 

But the highlighted point  of thanks for today is friends who have become family by choice. You know who you are. Thanks for loving me, baggage and all. 

...may there be mercy in the grace and love of chosen family. 

deliberate

Today's thankful moment is about one of those things that I am not truly thankful for, but am deliberately choosing to be thankful despite myself.

tears

Last night, while with a new small group from my church, I cried. Most folks don't find this to be unusual behavior, and will shed tears when appropriate. But for me, it is one of the biggest things on my list of things I hate to do. It is rare for me to do this, I simply don't cry in front of people.

Oh, I might get misty-eyed, but actual tears running down the face, nose running, unable to speak type crying, nope.

It's an obvious step in the right direction for my healing that I could not hold back tears last night, and with this group.

...may there be mercy and gratitude for healing tears.

yay moment

Today's thankful moment...

...my goddaughter is home from college for a very brief visit. Mostly to see the dentist. But she wants to spend time with me, so I'm taking her out to lunch to celebrate her birthday next week.

...may there be mercy in the celebration of someone I love dearly.

healing

The past 18 months have been hard. Really hard. So this week I want to focus on just taking moments and being thankful.

My office has recently hired a young woman to do our outside courier work.

I used to have to cover the afternoon portion of this job twice a week. The car is hard to get in and out of, so my back and hip hurt constantly for a very long time. 

  Being pain free again is so lovely.

...may there be mercy as I move freely again.

writing

I did some writing this week for friends. It was a description of my recent trip to San Diego to visit family. 

It made me realize how much I've missed writing in the last year or so.

So hello again, little blog. I've missed you. No promises of daily writing for now, but it won't be long till I am back with more.

...may there be mercy as I contemplate what to write.

wordless wednesday

sunlit web

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For more Wordless Wednesday, click here.

be sure to say it

As we bury my precious father-in-law today, I'm glad that I made sure to say the things that should be, and needed to be said while he was still living. While I can't get through saying them out loud this afternoon, this is what the Pastor will read for me. There is so much more that was said between us that I could write, but he already got to hear them.


Dad - What a gift to have spent the last 23 years as your extra daughter. In your last months, as you and I talked, I’m glad I got to say these things to you, but I need to say them again.

• You taught me so much about what love really looks like. What a treasured gift that is for me.
• After my own Daddy passed into heaven, you never tried to take his place in my heart, but you always filled the hole in that place with extra love as a good father should.
• You taught me to enjoy the simplest things in life and to take joy in them. I’ll miss our Swan Reports and think happily of you each time I see them soaring overhead.
• Red is still my favorite color, too.
• We will continue to take care of each other with all the love we have.
• You made me laugh each time we were together, even up to your last day. I loved your twinkle-in-the-eye grin.

I love you and miss you so much, but know that heaven is your glorious home now. We will see you in a little while. Find us a great spot for a good long talk in the sunshine.

...may there be mercy and comfort in knowing that we said it all...

The chariot did swing low and carry Dad home today. His suffering is done. He is at peace in heaven. I'm sure he's starting the party himself.

Dad passed peacefully just before 4, his children surrounding him (love that even though I'm the daughter-in-law, I've always been one of his kids) with words of love and encouragement for his journey to the next life... the better life.

The Good Book does say "blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."

I told a friend tonight that we feel this strange split personality thing going on. A part of us is so terribly sad that he is gone from us. At the same time, a part is rejoicing that he is not suffering and that he is in heaven. It's an odd feeling, I have to admit.


...may there be mercy and comfort in our grief...

final journey

On vigil. Waiting is hard. He is comfortable. Coma. Just a matter of time now. Swing low sweet chariot. Soon please. 

That's the text I sent out to a couple friends a few minutes ago.

My precious father in law is going home today.


...may there be mercy as we say good bye...

the road

Last year I had good intentions. Good intentions to accomplish or at least get on the road to accomplishment for a number of things.

exercise 4-5 times a week

make at least 1 quilt per month

learn to knit

read the entire bible, cover to cover, as literature

have a massive celebration of turning 50

de-clutter my house

drop 20 pounds

have guests for dinner twice a month

blog more regularly

While I was able to accomplish a couple of these - the Man calls it the “50 celebrations of turning 50” and I did learn how to knit - the road to accomplishment for the rest of that list remains untraveled.

The first quarter of last year was great for traveling that road. I spent quite a bit of time quilting, the birthday celebrations began, I dropped a couple pounds, the de-cluttering began and then the Man got pneumonia and was in the hospital for a few days.

I tried to get back on the road after that, but it seemed that the road twisted, turned, and curved, almost like a bucking horse, to throw me off.

The road was completely lost to me when my precious father-in-law was diagnosed with terminal mesothelioma and given only a couple months to live. My good intentions were tossed aside. Life condensed down to the really important stuff of taking care of the Man, his daddy and myself. Making sure that the things we needed to say were said, the things we needed to hear were heard.

All those things have been said and heard, now we just enjoy each moment with him, knowing those moments are winding down more rapidly each day as he gets weaker and weaker.

I still look toward the road, hoping to plant my feet firmly on it, but for now, it might just be that I can only locate the road. Walking down it will have to wait a little bit.

I know that the road waits for me, probably with a lot of additional turns meant to throw me. I am looking forward to stepping back on that road, still looking at the list from last year, and adding a few thoughts for this year.

...may there be mercy and hope in setting my feet back on the road...

savory sundays

Am stealing a moment of normal in the chaos of living with hospice issues. Last night we had a couple friends over for a spur of the moment dinner. I've been wanting to try Pears Poached in Red Wine for some time now, and happened to have enough pears on hand. I always have wine on hand! This recipe turned out so tasty that I'll definitely do it again. Brew yourself a pot of really good coffee, even if it's decaf, and enjoy!

Pears Poached in Red Wine

4-6 pears, ripe, but still slightly firm

½ cup sugar

2 cups red wine, possibly more

1 cinnamon stick

1 tablespoon vanilla

1 shot grand marnier or orange liqueur

chocolate sauce 

peel pears, leaving stem, and place in saucepan

sprinkle with sugar

cover with wine

add cinnamon stick

simmer over low heat 10-15 minutes - do not boil at a heavy rate or pears will get mushy

remove from heat,  add vanilla and orange liqueur

let cool in the juice

Drizzle plate with chocolate, just a very little

remove core from bottom of pear with a melon baller and slice in half lengthwise

place halves in center of plate and spoon some sauce over

Notes:

I kept the remaining sauce to use on another dessert tonight…. way too yummy to waste!!!

For the wine, I used Campo de Borja Mosen Cleto (buy at Trader Joe’s, it’s the one with the “dusty” bottle.)

Other wine suggestions are:  Zinfandel or Syrah

Next time I will probably halve the pears prior to poaching since it was kinda messy doing so after.

For the chocolate, use something really, really good and kinda thick, almost like a hot fudge type sauce. I used a pinot noir chocolate sauce that was spectacularly good.

For more recipes and great cooking stuff, check out the Weekend Cooking posts at Beth Fish Reads

...may there be mercy in the breaking of bread at your table...

big words

In the last 6 weeks, we've been learning a lot of big words around our house.

pneumonia
MRI
pulmonologist
thorocentesis
malignancy
pleurodesis
mesothelioma
oncologist
prognosis
medicare
durable medical equipment
DNR
hospice

Some are words we've used before, some are new. Each one has an emotion attached to the new learning experience.

I hate that all these words apply to my precious father-in-law.

The progression has been swift. The changes in him are almost unbelievable. And as much as we want to stop this rollercoaster, there are no brakes on this ride. We are simply grateful that he has no pain yet. We hope for no pain ever.

We've been told our time is brief - 2 weeks to 2 months. That was 4 weeks ago. We are cherishing every moment with him, allowing him to live as normally as possible for as long as possible. He amazes me with his determination to keep on living while he still has breath.

Over the years, this man has taught me so much about life, living and love. Now he's showing me how to die with grace and peace.

My emotions are raw, but acceptance has come.

...may there be mercy and his life remain pain-free...

filling our time

Once again, I'm knitting in the hospital. Waiting for a hospice meeting and for the Man to bring lunch. My precious father-in-law dozes much, so the knitting keeps my hands and mind occupied. I'm making a lot of progress on this project.

My heart is not making much progress on acceptance, but I fake it well in public. Being told it's just a few weeks is hard.

...may there be mercy and peace for each of us as his life unfolds...

knitting in the ER

Once again I am grateful that my friend Patty has taught me to knit. Being in the ER with my precious father-in-law requires something that is calm and soothing to my emotions. When he is in pain, it shatters me.

And all the while he keeps his adorable sense of humor, cracking jokes with nurses, doctors, lab techs and us. He keeps living his life, no matter what.

We got a scary diagnosis earlier this week. Precious father-in-law has 3 tomors in his lungs and 2 on his liver. Most likely cancer. He had a liter of fluid drained off his lung and it seems to have come back. Not good.

If this is cancer, I recognize that I am so not ready to face the pain ahead of us. I don't care that he is 87, and I truly do know that he cannot live forever, I'm just not ready.

And we wait in the ER.

...may there be mercy and peace for each of us as we face our next steps in really living life...

savory sundays

This week I started looking ahead to the Christmas season and gifts of food for neighbors and coworkers. Mama and I have several fun recipes that are simple and yummy. One of the more addicting choices is today's selection. Mama came up with this Glazed Walnuts recipe because she loves honey roasted nuts, but just couldn't justify spending so much tiny amounts of them. While it's not the same as honey roasted nuts, she was delighted with the outcome. I love these and have trouble keeping out of the gift boxes once they are set up! Enjoy!

Glazed Walnuts

4 cups shelled walnuts
4 large egg whites
1 cup firmly packed brown sugar
1/4 cup melted butter

Preheat oven to 275

Beat egg whites with an electric mixer until they form soft peaks. Gradually beat in the brown sugar and bet until it is stiff and glossy. Stir in by hand the butter. Then stir in the nuts, tossing to coat all. Spread into an UNGREASED 9x13 cake pan. Bake for one hour till meringue is dry - stirring at 15 minute intervals to loosen the nuts. Cool in the pan on a wire rack. Store loosely covered at room temperature.

Notes:
- the oven temp is not a typo - it really is 275
- definitely do not grease your pan or your nuts will be ruined
- when you start the baking time, make sure to set timers for each 15 minute segment. It's really important to stir at these times. While the time passes, enjoy a cup of tea and a book if you can.
- this is fun for kids to join in the process - they get a kick out of how the nuts don't change and then suddenly they do.

For more recipes and great cooking stuff, check out the Weekend Cooking posts at Beth Fish Reads

...may there be mercy in the breaking of bread at  your table...

wordless wednesday

banyan tree

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For more Wordless Wednesday, click here.

savory sundays

For many years, I worked with a lovely man named Jim. He was probably the kindest and most generous man I've ever known. Thoughtful and caring. Always brought us treats and beautifully wrapped Christmas gifts that were lovingly purchased with each recipient in mind. He was the office big brother and we all adored him. When he lost the battle with liver cancer, it was the loss of a family member to us.

In our office, we enjoy a good potluck. In honor of our Brother Jim, who adored a potluck, someone always makes his famous Crab Dip. This Crab Dip was a potluck tradition in the office and when we got it without a potluck attached, it was an extra special treat. One of the highest fat/calorie recipes, but oh, so delicious! Never a bit of leftover to take home either, dangit! Simple and wonderful... just like Jim. Enjoy!

Jim's Crab Dip

one brick of Philly cream cheese, softened
one cup of Best Foods Mayo (Hellman's in the south)
one can of crab - or use fresh crab if you have it
chopped dill pickle
minced onion
garlic powder

Mix well and let chill for a couple hours to let the flavors meld. Serve with ritz or other crackers you enjoy. "Real" potato chips are pretty tasty with this one, too.

Notes:
- never substitute another brand name for the cream cheese or mayo. Not the same taste at all and no one likes it near as much when it happens!
- everything in this recipe is "to taste". If you like more crab, add it! If you like only a tiny bit of chopped dill pickle, use only a little bit. I prefer double crab and an extra dash of garlic and onion in mine.
- don't use garlic salt. Between the crab and the crackers or chips, you don't want the extra salt.

For more recipes and great cooking stuff, check out the Weekend Cooking posts at Beth Fish Reads

...may there be mercy in the breaking of bread at your table..

wordless wednesday

tiny mushrooms

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For more Wordless Wednesday, click here.